I remember the day I heard about Gwenth Paltrow referring to her separation from my next husband (LOL) as a “Conscious Uncoupling”. I think I simultaneously spluttered and snorted some of my soda while remarking on how much a.) I loathed the woman to begin with and b.) How happy I was that my man was free.
As time went on more and more of these “terms” struck a cord with me; “Co-parenting”, “Parenting plans”, “Diva less divorce procedures.” All it seemed to be was PC ways of saying “he had an affair / she slept with her yoga instructor and we’re too ashamed to call it out so we gonna pretend this was a unanimous decision made while sipping our chardonnay. “
Great! Nothing I ever worried about, until I did. I swore on my life that I would never stay in an unhappy marriage. That I would never remain in a space where I wasn’t being obsessed over, adored, cherished and THE ONLY ONE EVER. To date I have broken far too many promises to myself to let this one slide. However being a mom meant that making decisions about conscious uncoupling was a bit more complicated than I anticipated. Oh how I would have loved to pull a “everything you own in the box to the left”. Instead I gave myself a full year to come up with a term I could live with, a process I could manage and a decision I wouldn’t feel guilty of for the rest of Ally’s life.
I don’t believe you have to “settle”. I believe you have to take what you have been given and make magic out of it. Magic, forgiveness, acceptance and the re-birth of a love that once lived can all exist in the same space. The secret to going from crazy- raging- bitter wife to winner winner chicken dinner:
A.) Stop talking about it
B.) Be it.
Stop telling your friends, family and anyone else who will listen how much you hate him, stop talking about “what happened”, stop bringing up all the pain you’re going through. Guess what. If you decide that that is what you’re worth then you’re stuck with it. Unless you pack up your shit and leave like you have threatened a thousand times over, no one CARES. You become a soul-sucking psychopath that everyone would rather avoid… Making you even more miserable. So leave him or love him, YOUR DAMN CHOICE.
You say you’re strong, independent, sassy, and fiery? Well become that; show the world and yourself that that is what you’re made of. This doesn’t have to mean walking out of your 2-year marriage (LOL) but perhaps be a different version of yourself in that space. Own it. Like you thought you did, except this time, for real. Take no shit, be nobodies bitch but your own!
Essentially I have decided that the best friend I always had will always be there. I lost a lover once, a version of my life, but I did not lose the essence of the soul I chose to create a little being with. I did not lose the sharer of my secrets, my indulger, and the one person who can spot a mile away a tear that hasn’t even formed in my eyes. How it works- we far off from knowing, how detrimental- right now we just don’t care. All we know is that there is a little girl who depends on us entirely.
All I know is that I refuse to add fuel to a flame when we could be building snowmen after a storm. Why couples turn on each other is beyond me. We the A’s and there’s a reason top dogs are always referred to as the A team……
Disclaimer: A lot of folk have feelings about what they deem as personal being shared online… Well honey, this is my therapy and unless you’re going to be paying my psychologist R750.00, twice a week, I couldn’t care less about what you think of me “airing” my feelings in public. For sensitive viewers theres a show called Carte Blanche, for real life , there is my blog