Everyone is always going through the something. My mechanism has always been to channel that something into something more. To find inspiration in places in which there is none, in places where it really is just up to me and how I see things. That is hard as fxxck because trust me. You can be doing whatever it is that makes you happy but when you in a dark space mentally, emotionally, everything goes grey. And I’m not talking about no 50 here. Being a mom is hard; trying to balance work, social events (that don’t include a nappy bag +baby) is hard. Eventually you learn that there is no real way to balance, one element takes a backseat and you have to be okay with that. I have missed numerous Country Road and Zara sales as a result of said unbalance but I have also gained priceless moments with Alaia and at times, much needed moments by myself.
And that brings me to where I am now. Stuck between a rock and a pink place. A pink place because for me, personally, pink is my thing, my happiness. It represents a chance of magic- think fairy wands and liquid courage. Simultaneously there is a rock, bearing me down while I pull my pink bomber over my shoulders- a super heroine cape of sorts. It’s a catch 23. Where I believe moving forward will result in loss but only I have so much more to gain. In the vastness of a city I’ve never felt more alone. You have friends, family but part of loving them means protecting them. So you never speak out. About your problems, your concerns, the fact that you are falling apart at your seams. Soon the largeness of your own world consumes you.
Being a mom has given me something I never knew I needed and its ironic. Becoming a mom has taught me how okay I am with being alone. Even though for every second of every day there is someone, in some form, vying for my attention, be it work related, Alaia related etc, I am fine by myself. I do not feel the burning desire to hone in new friendships, to focus on sustaining dying relationships. I am simply okay with what I am offered and take each thing for what it is. I am at a point in life where complacence is key. I cannot run after anything that’s not meant to be mine as I am already running after a quick footed 11 month old. Yes the city is big and grey and lonely. But there is also a touch of pink, a hint of subtly and softness in the most unexpected crevices. That is where I find my peace. That is where I learn that although what I am going through feels mammoth, in the greater scheme of things, it’s but a speck of sand. I have so much, too much; love, laughter, unimaginable joy. There is no one but myself that can make it happen.
As a testimony to the fact the you always “gots thiiis” I did a little bit of grey litle bit of pink shoot with my gurl Ghouthia Toffa.
Every mom can do with feelin’ a little extra sometimes and this shoot proofs that that extra comes from just being you, at least thats what works for me.